In which we gchat about Tao Lin at length

Kyle, Danielle, and I embarked on a quest to win a free book by the incomparable Tao Lin. The following exchange is what ensued.

Andy Axel

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Andy Axel

Tue, Oct 27, 2009 at 12:16 AM

danielle: this is like the olympics

me: tao lin is a sporting guy

danielle: what event would tao do in the olympics?

me: let's talk about him

danielle: hurdles?

come on guys

kyle: the biathalon

danielle: give me some feedback

kyle: rifle+skiing

danielle: archery?

did i spell that right?

11:13 PM me: i don't think he's going to like this. he might right a poem about the olympics.

danielle: how do you do know what tao lin likes?

me: about how his face has a neutral expression as he throws a hurdle

into the crowd

danielle: nice

or maybe he would just work

at a concession stand

selling

vegan

hotdogs

11:14 PM kyle? what do you think?

DO you think Tao lin would submit to our literary publication?

kyle: I think tao would like to watch the awards ceremony

danielle: is it 'his style'

or 'too juvenile'

11:15 PM flaming torch

me: the torch 'represents' the 'burning' of 'fire'

danielle: tao would pass it on

to a middle aged woman

jogging

for her life

'working out'

'sweating to the oldies'

me: she would jog to his vegan hot dog stand

11:16 PM he would have a neutral expression on his face, wearing a purple visor

danielle: YELLOW VISOR

FANNY PACK

me: eating a sesame seed bagel

danielle: cinching her waist

perspiring

perspiring

perspiring

!!

me: poem #1: completed

let's turn this gchat into a chapbook

danielle: it can be called

11:17 PM the kyle book crisis

i think it would be 'relevant'

me: tao lin might consider us 'irreverent and derivative'

danielle: yum

kyle: we should make more jokes about him

me: like we are co=opting his 'style'

danielle: his hair? what do yall think?

kyle: yes

me: I did not mean to use that equals sign

danielle: thats okay andy

11:18 PM i trust your judgement

me: let's get serious: favorite tao lin poem

danielle: SHIT

me: of all time

kyle: bears

danielle: the one about

'im like hitler'

but agoraphobic

that should have real quotes

me: I like the one about the insanity of the spherical knife, and how there is a hole at the center of his sesame seed bagel

kyle: I will throw the vending machine from the second floor to the first floor

11:19 PM danielle: damn

what is tao's favorite vendable snack?

me: vending machines are a good image

danielle: dipsy doodles

but vegan

macrobiotic dipsy doodlers

me: I once wrote a poem about how I cheated a vending machine out of an extra bag of reese's pieces

kyle: when you type "vending machine" I get a picture of a vending machine "in my head"

me: it was in the style of william carlos williams

11:20 PM danielle: shameless self promotion cough andy

me: 'it is a scientific fact that are thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors'

I don't believe in tao lin's scientific view

danielle: it is a scientific fact that tao lin...

finish that sentenc
e

bros

about time someone said bros?!?

me: full disclosure: we three are bros

kyle: just a couple of.....

danielle: i feel like im taking a very important test right now

11:21 PM me: bros on the internet

danielle: Im a girl bro, im sort of different

but still a bro

WEIRD

like an aptitude test

but judged by people i respect

so its harder

much harder

kyle: I feel like I am writing a paper about poetry with a couple of friends helping me

11:22 PM me: a couple of bros

danielle: helping out. like fraternity bro community service

then we party

then we take some shots. booze.

me: do you think tao lin's undergrad papers reflected his 'minimalist' style and 'fucked' world view?

danielle: talk about 'good looking girls'

11:23 PM I dont think so

i think that developed

after years

of heart crushing

rejection

kyle: he probably just wanted to his papers done so he could "party" with people who have similar "worldviews"

danielle: from insensitive humans

i mean thats what we do

dont knock it

11:24 PM what do you think TAO knocks?

me: did tao lin have a roommate? did that make it difficult for him to spend time in his bed?

danielle: tao lin- ideal roomate

apply inside.

or within

damn

me: he would stock the refrigerator with stolen vegan snacks

danielle: Tao lins bedsheets? what color do you guys think they are?

me: from publicly traded corporations

danielle: he would steal the fridge prob.

11:25 PM from Target. (do they sell those)

me: no. he would get it for free from craigslist

danielle: good point

kyle: blue with some pictures

me: tao lin's bed sheets are blue and neutral. like his face in the glow of his computer screen

danielle: blue i agree

with narwhals.

yeh

i feel good about this conjecture

11:26 PM does tao lin like pinball? arcades? anything?

me: i think he likes the 'diablo' series of games

11:27 PM kyle: he might have liked them at some point

but maybe not anymore

danielle: a long time ago. when he ate meat. or something

yeh. i said it.

kyle: before he grew up

me: he probably would feel guilty wasting his time playing some 'godforsaken' game on the internet

danielle: when do you think he "grew up"/why

me: when he could be writing

danielle: and how is this relflected in his fiction/poetry

11:28 PM kyle: he started growing up when he moved to college

danielle: i feel like a stupid teacher. stupid mumbling teacher that has chalk on her ass and doesnt know

but everyone else knows

like my senile latin teacher

Raise your hand if you hope you are not a teacher when you grow up

11:29 PM oh damn saying 'grow up' sounds lame

me: you just disclosed that we are physically in the same room although also on the internet

danielle: FUCK

sorrysorrysorry

kyle: we are close

me: let's talk about being fucked

kyle: to each other

danielle: so close

we are all 'fucked'

me: I wrote a villanelle about that. I don't think tao lin would appreciate 'archaic' 'formalism'

danielle: when i fell down the stairs of the staircase of the library today i felt fucked.

11:30 PM it was spiral but still. people laughed. a lot

kyle: I felt fucked over break, but I could not say that to my family

danielle: stop promoting your poetry, andy

kyle: they wouldn

t understand

danielle: we all write poetry

me: and prose

kyle: together

danielle: together

so close

me: what are the 'pros' vs 'cons' of prose vs poetry?

kyle: fucked

danielle: quite

me: in the context of tao lin's 'oeuvre?'

11:31 PM danielle: tao lin appropriates the proper names of celebrities more in his prose

than in his poetry

kyle: is that true?

danielle: DUH

shit did i just say that.

me: I have read more of his poetry than his prose

danielle: so close.

11:32 PM me too

i mean. its all kind of 'rare'

kyle: I have read more of his blog than his "literature"

danielle: as in...not in a theater near you

if you get what im saying bros

me: does hipster runoff count?

kyle: =literature?

danielle: altreport

me: is carles co-opting tao lin's style?

danielle: optimum newssource

horrorcore

11:33 PM juggalos

galore

kyle: carles was enormously influenced by tao as a young writer

danielle: what would tao lin look like dressed as a juggalo

its almost halloween

me: does tao lin consider himself part of a 'subculture' or perhaps 'counter culture?'

is 'writer' a 'personal brand?'

is it a halloween costume?

can I go as tao lin?

danielle: better than dressing your dashund as a hotdog

thats for sure.

11:34 PM me: a vegan hot dog

danielle: true

kyle: will publishing sfaa interfere with tao's alternative status

it will

danielle: tao lin is to writer as fork is to ...

complete.

pleasle

kyle: in a few years we will read someone else and think, they are the next tao lin

11:35 PM and the ipod mini is the new ipod

me: there are already like 8 'next' tao lin's, and they all publish together

kyle: different

danielle: there are different tiers

me: I am being prejudiced because they are successful

and I am not

damn

danielle: some more than others

11:36 PM some are younger than us

does that make you feel 'all used up'

like gum on the bottom of a shoe

kyle: some of us will blossom sooner than others

me: kyle, I think tao lin may become well known, but I don't think he will cease to be alternative

danielle: what that was kyle was saying?

me: is 'fucked' the same as 'all used up?'

danielle: are you trying to turn tao against kyle

11:37 PM my mom thinks so

but shes really jewish

kyle: we will visit tao at Wesleyan and think "he knows our writing but does not know it was us who wrote it"

11:38 PM me: he may think we are 'sycophantic'

danielle: we can tell him

me: possibly 'assholes'

danielle: nose goes

me: we will give him our zine

danielle: maybe even schizophrenic

me: he will not read it

kyle: who would he like best?

danielle: he will use it as a napkin

DAMN

probably....

me: that would be efficient

danielle: Brian Kim (is that racist)

11:39 PM but Brian wont be thre.

who nexy?

next

damn.

me: I honestly think his writing aligns most with that of brian kim in our circle of writer friends

danielle: I just said that, andy. jeez.

But does he like his own writing?

me: but yours wasnt honest

danielle: does he like himself

Im always honest.

kyle: you are subtly inserting references to tao lin, andy

danielle: my aim is true.

11:40 PM kyle: I am not missing it

me: feel like this conversation is obviously forced, since we expect other people to read it

'feel like' is a carles reference

danielle: at least its not scripted

kyle: tao would just want us to"be ourselves"

danielle: no carles would

kyle: good point

!

danielle: tao would want us to retreat to a place of solitude with a vegan muffin

at 4. am

me: tao lin, by offering a prize for this exhcange, is turning it into a 'transaction'

11:41 PM can we authentically be ourselves in that context?

danielle: yesterdays inspiration may be todays transaction

opinions?

me: how much money does a transaction for a vegan muffin require?

danielle: in Brooklyn..

11:42 PM 3.50

me: damn

kyle: does tao cook

danielle: so much

kyle: or does he prefer others to cook

me: Poughkeepsie is cheap living, maybe

danielle: cooking doesn't describe it

i wouldnt know actually

you can say that again...re poughkeepsie

11:43 PM what was tao lin's first job

kyle: would tao like someone to cater to/for him

me: we are now verbally discussing how we are catering to what we think tao lin wants

danielle: caterer?

would you like a salmon croquet

thanks tao

me: would be a good job to do on the side while pounding out my first novel

danielle: 'pounding out'

me: or book of poetry

danielle: you forgot those

11:44 PM kyle: we will write until we have written enough

danielle: we will

dont stop

this is not the worst of fates

me: we will wake up tomorrow, take showers, and feel different than we do now

we will check our mailboxes

we may or may not have mail

11:45 PM danielle: I will probably have a postcard from my mom with a handdrawn doodle of a sunshine.

she does that a lot

kyle: what job would tao have if he had to have a normal job

danielle: its supposed to 'encourage me'

kyle: postman

postman

danielle: normal job

so elitist kyle

a chill job

like...delivery boy

man??

11:46 PM those are just labels

i know

kyle: maybe we should try this again drunk

me: william faulkner worked as some kind of alcoholic

kyle: I would like that more

danielle: he transcends gender

me: he wrote the sound and the fury while 'wasted'

danielle: haha re faulkner

11:47 PM nahh no way

me: is tao lin the next willy faulkner?

danielle: maybe a light in august

no way

thats josh

harmon

excuse me

Joshua

me: he's a little more wily

his name is going to show up in google searches now

right after his blog

11:48 PM danielle: good.

deserves it

gave me an 'a-'

kyle: what will our pseudonyms be?

danielle: can't put a grade on my pain JOSH

me: this is getting a little personal

danielle: i can handle it

stop trying to protect me

because im a woman

i dont need none of this SHIt

11:49 PM So is tao going to write a movie like dave eggers. maybe taos will be better

kyle: I like to think tao would read this and try to think about what kind of people we are based on our chatting

I am the one "full of questions"

Andy is the "suck-up"

me: the comparison of tao lin and dave eggers makes me feel tired and like I want to throw up

kyle: danielle is the "wildcard"

11:50 PM danielle: i just wanted to broach the subject of feature films

sorry to sicken

vomit it mad terrible

issss

im the spelling wildcard

me: in that other gchat, tao lin said he wanted to have his books optioned, I think

danielle: wild cat

11:51 PM well see. im 'relevant'

me: feel like tao lin could star in his own movie

danielle: as hell

I'd hire him.

kyle: I heard they did a play of one of tao lin's books

danielle: Id make him have a name that sounded sort of like his name but different

like an inside joke

or something

which book kyle

tell me

kyle: don't know

danielle: what are you waiting for

11:52 PM me: I think tao lin turned to poetry because both his first and last names have lots of good rhymes

danielle: he doesnt use them though

riddle me

that

me: it's not poetry if it doesn't rhyme, everybody

show's over

danielle: well you brought up rhyme

asshole

me: kyle just said out loud: "this is so performative"

11:53 PM it was a performative utterance

danielle: who is our audience

the two biddies watching us?

me: tao lin, readers of tao lin's blog, ourselves, our parents

danielle: a wide audience

i like this

i have always wanted to

me: tao lin's parents?

danielle: 'reach out'

to the common folk

I know a lot about tao lins dad

i feel

11:54 PM dont yall?

on his special tao lin shirts from the tao lin store

kyle: we should use this opportunity to offer "shout outs" to close friends and family

danielle: pretty good shirts.

nah

Richard Simmons is my boy.

I already said JOSH HARMON

me: he's going to read this and feel embarassed about us

danielle: whatever

11:55 PM kyle: he will never read this

danielle: neither will tao?

eyes on the prize

11:56 PM do you think tao lin will ever get sick of brooklyn

me: there are so many books in this library that probably only one or two people have ever read

danielle: leave for the country

'need more space'

me: does it matter whether people read this
?

danielle: deep andy

kyle: where is the ideal vacation spot

me: I want tao lin to think I'm slightly deep

danielle: my sarcasm is secret jealousy

11:57 PM me: I want him to think about vacationing in puerto rico with me

danielle: i remember tao lin says "secret heaven'

ive always remembered secret heaven

haha puerto rico.

cant see you there. somehow

write me a postcard

or make tao

11:58 PM kyle: I'm glad we're "together"

me: from pictures for sad children: "wish I wished you were here"

danielle: id be worried if i was alone

lets say in the media cloisters

or the basement

or my room

even though there would be comforting personal objects in my room

while the only comfort in this room is yal

lll

11:59 PM me: are we failing?

together?

danielle: speak for yourself

man im a bitch

sorry yall

kyle: Danielle is shining

danielle: tired

thanks bro

me: will this become an off broadway stage play?

danielle: id pee

with glee

kyle: we are off broadway

danielle: true

we are in pougkeepsie

pretty off broadway

me: will people take their parents to see it, to show them what 'modern' life is like?

12:00 AM danielle: nah

it will be a tween thing

me: to show them what it is like to live in poughkeepse?

danielle: we are the next jonas brothers ish

meryl streep knows.

what its like.

kyle: just 3 bros, 3 computers, 3 "kindred" students

me: would meryl streep give us her movies if we had a gchat about her?

danielle: you should design the promotional material

it would all be in garamond

12:01 AM tao would prefer helvetica

me: would meryl streep be cast as tao lin in a movie about him?

danielle: right yall?

oh snap. nah

me: serifs and sans serifs are different breeds

danielle: prolly that bro john krasinski

hes a 'big deal'

now

ever since he was in that show

me: hes adapting a DFW book into a movie

think that was arranged before he died?

danielle: yeh man heard about that. woah.

12:02 AM kyle: died?

danielle: so john was like in....

kyle: just kidding

danielle: before shit hit the fan

with DFW

me: kyle is dancing with death, laughing at it

danielle: he would.

me: is tao lin morbid?

kyle: lolling in the face of death

danielle: hes removed.

me: does he laugh at death, or get severly depressed?

danielle: why should he pick

hes a person

complex

12:03 AM push it out boys

that is what my field hockey coach always said

12:04 AM except she said girls

kyle: fuck

danielle: because we were

what does tao think about the jonbenet?

too soon?

12:05 AM kyle: (one minute of no typing)

danielle: im getting so nervous

does tao get nervous before he reads?

kyle: did tao write his own wikipedia article

danielle: or is he stabilized

me: he plays it cool

danielle: by moderate fame

or SSRIs

12:06 AM sounds like a Why? song title

me: monotone is comforting

danielle: soothing

trance inducing almost

12:07 AM kyle: feel like I'm a brain in a cage

is that accurate

danielle: humm

kyle: andy

me: is your brain the same as your body?

12:08 AM danielle: more like brain in a vat

unspecified vat

yeh andy...is it?

me: a vat that would support a brain would have to be so complicated that it would become a new body

12:09 AM danielle: what if it was a rat's brain

humm

me: my body is a vat

danielle: we are all vats

me: this is a lot like that arcade fire song

danielle: i guess

i feel like body= cage was already pretty much established

before that song

me: was emily dickinson in a cage?

danielle: way before

yeh

me: literally?

12:10 AM of femininity? of metal bars?

danielle: should have been. prob.

pain. cage of pain.

adulterous pain.

kyle: cage of rage

danielle: have you heard that jane austen was an alcoholic

cage or rage = wwf wrestler

12:11 AM tao lin's wrestling name?

come on

me: the severe depression

danielle: the great depression

over used

me: a little

danielle: ? cliche ?

kyle: I am a folkster! is tao lin cute?!

danielle: damn.

kyle: huh? what?

why?

Why?

why?

who are you?

where are you going?

MOM?

danielle: tao lin is cute

kyle: MOMMMMMMM!!!

me: this chat is being infiltrated

danielle: damn

12:12 AM kyle: does tao lin have a MOM?

danielle: cookie monster

duh

kyle: ELMO

danielle: or was he test tube style

still had to have a mom

kyle: tao lin= elmo

(!!!!!!!)

dad?

danielle: no tao lin is not elmo..elmo is so manic

kyle: JOSH?

me: tao lin is the grouch in bert's body and voice

kyle: LAME

danielle: word andy.

kyle do you have swine flu?

kyle: WORD TO YOUR MOTHA

me: but more depressed and less angry

danielle: whats wrong with you man?

kyle: I LIKE ICE CREAM

danielle: h1n1 bro??

12:13 AM kyle: ANDY YOU ARE CUTE

danielle: bromance

im out

kyle: I HAVE LIKED YOU SINCE THIRD GRADE

WOW

H1N1

danielle: a good band name

kyle: THAT'S RIGHT

danielle: (actually terrible)

kyle: I'M HUNGRY

MOM?

H1N1

H1N1

H1N1

H1N1

I'M NOT A SPAMMER

12:14 AM danielle: 'fuck h1n1'

= 'fuck america'

kyle: tao, you are really cute.

lalalalalalala

danielle: element of surprise

12:15 AM me: well, we have plenty of lines

danielle: taos wrestling name

sorry had to ruminate.

on that

kyle: GET IN MY HEAD

NOW

carolyn, cut your hair

danielle: 'plenty of lines'

kyle: OH

.

me: I guess we should email this to tao

danielle: you do it.

kyle: kewl

me: say our goodbyes

'goodbye'

danielle: i already said im out bros

kyle: I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY

12:16 AM danielle: well.

yeh.

kyle: my mom says hi

danielle: are we the same people we were

before this chat

?

or have we changed

kyle: non

danielle: non?

nom nom

kyle: oui

12:17 AM done

danielle: Kyle's french now?

kyle: YE

!!!!

danielle: yell

yelle

is french

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